


EOMER: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

by mnemosyne23



Category: The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Humor, crack!fic, rated for sexual innuendo, user manual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-07
Updated: 2014-01-07
Packaged: 2018-01-07 20:47:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1124224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mnemosyne23/pseuds/mnemosyne23
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Learn the proper care and grooming for your very own Third Marshall of the Mark.  Based on Theresa Green's brilliant "Owner's Guide" series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	EOMER: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

**Author's Note:**

> **DISCLAIMER:** Not mine! Eomer and his related Middle-Earth compatriots are the property of the Tolkien estate. The films are the property of New Line Entertainment. Karl Urban is the property of himself. This "Owner's Guide" format is the brainchild of Theresa Green, whose [various maintenance manuals](http://www.henneth-annun.net/stories/story_sort.cfm?STAuthorID=664&CSCharID=0&STCategoryID=0&STGenreID=0) are among the funniest things you will ever read, I guarantee it. I am not the first to build on her original idea, but I certainly hope I can come close to being as funny as she is! And as always, thank you, Theresa, for allowing me to play in your sandbox. ^_^

* * *

  


  
  
  


*****~~~~~CONGRATULATIONS!~~~~~~~~*****

  


  
You are the proud new owner of an EOMER! To ensure top quality functioning from your Rider of Rohan, please follow the care instructions included in this manual.  


  
  
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  


  
  
  
**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS:**   


  
**_NAME:_** Eomer Eadig  
  
 ** _TYPE:_** Human (specifically "Northman")  
  
 ** _MANUFACTURERS:_** Of the Mark  & Spencer (Theodwyn & Eomund division)  
  
 ** _DATE OF MANUFACTURE:_** The year 2991 of the Third Age  
  


  
**AESTHETIC QUALITIES:**   


  
**_HEIGHT:_** 6'1"(with additional DEVOUT STEED attachment, approximately 20 hands)  
  
 ** _EYE COLOR:_** Hazel-green (though if you prefer dark brown or moody blue, tinted contact lenses may be purchased separately)  
  
 ** _HAIR COLOR:_** Golden  
  
 ** _WEIGHT:_** Proportional, and composed almost entirely of rock hard muscle  
  
 ** _LENGTH:_** Superior, and excellent for hard riding  


  
  
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  


  
  
  
*****ACCESSORIES AND ATTACHMENTS*****   


  
Your EOMER is equipped with a plethora of quintessential Rohirric accessories, including sword, shield, spear, handaxe, breastplate, vambraces, chainmail, helmet (with an authentic horsehair top knot), leather boots, and a hand-stitched Banner of Rohan. Additional DEVOUT STEED accessories may be purchased seperately (including one DEVOUT STEED with saddle, bridle, riding crop and horse care products).  


  
 **PLEASE NOTE:** Due to overwhelming demand, the DEVOUT STEED attachment _"riding crop"_ will ONLY be sold with the complete DEVOUT STEED accessory set, and will no longer be available for individual sale with the EOMER model. While we appreciate that our customers feel the EOMER model would make them happier with the riding crop accessory, sales for the individual item were outstripping our ability to manufacture it, and thus many of our DEVOUT STEED accessory sets were lacking this one vital piece of equipment.  


  
_"But if I buy the DEVOUT STEED accessory set, my EOMER model will want to spend more time with his DEVOUT STEED than with me!"_   


  
We admit this may be a problem. Test group studies have concluded that the best way to counteract your Horse-Lord's equine nature is to bind his hands and ankles to something sturdy and broad (ie, an oak door, dining table, headboard, etc) and proceed to wean him from his horse through separation and distraction. This will cause anxiety on the part of your Marshall of the Mark, which you may ease through soothing massage, aromatic oil treatments, and strenuous full body work-outs, all of which can be carried out in the warmth and safety of your own bedroom. After a while, you will find that your EOMER model will transfer his rugged horsemaster sensibilities from his DEVOUT STEED to you. Once this has happened, you may expose your EOMER to his DEVOUT STEED on a regular basis, without fearing a loss of his affection.  


  
  
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  


  
  
  
*****ADDITIONAL OPERATING PROCEDURES*****   


  
Besides being an excellent example of rugged Rohirric masculinity, your EOMER is competent at a variety of tasks. Examples of other uses for your EOMER are:  


  
ROYAL CANADIAN MOUNTED POLICEMAN (ie, MOUNTIE):   


  
Your EOMER'S proficiency at riding, thirst for justice, and devotion to his monarch make him an ideal candidate for Canada's well-known police force. Additionally, your EOMER'S ability to coordinate fluid changes of direction while leading a force of some hundred Rohirrim, using merely a motion from a spear point, makes him an excellent candidate for the RCMP's famed Musical Ride.  


  
 _A NOTE OF CAUTION:_ Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you attempt to dress your EOMER in red serge.  


  
  
  
HORSE TRAINER AND GROOM:   


  
This may seem like an obvious vent for your EOMER'S Rohirric qualities, but you must face the fact that horses make your Marshall happy, and a happy EOMER is a friendly EOMER (versus a grumpy EOMER, who might bury an axe in the back of your neck, cut off your head and stick it on a pike near a smoking pile of evil dead). Even if you have undergone the aforementioned Weaning Procedure to transfer your EOMER'S affections from his DEVOUT STEED to you, it is a good idea to allow your EOMER a chance to exercise his prodigious equine abilities on a regular basis. Not only will he be a valuable asset to your local 4-H Club, but it will give you the opportunity to dress him up in all his leather glory and parade him around for your friends to _Ooooh_ and _Ahhh_ over. Just be careful that one of those "friends" doesn't try to lure him away with a carrot or a particularly valiant call to arms. If this should happen, a simple recovery program has been written into your EOMER'S software, known as the _ALLITERATIVE OVERRIDE_. Simply shout, "Now for rath, now for ruin, and the red dawn!" (or something equally rhythmic) in your most authoritative voice, and your EOMER will snap back to your side faster than you can say "Eorlingas."  


  
  
  
EMERGENCY RESCUE WORKER:  


  
What more noble or valiant pursuit could a good Rohirrim ask for? Your EOMER'S tendency to rescue people from bloody fields of battle makes him an excellent candidate for this line of work. Admittedly, he will have an inborn preference for rescuing family members, but this is not such a bad trait. He may growl about "the white hand of Saruman" after the fact, and throw baseball caps at your feet as he does it, but this is a natural thing for your EOMER to do, and is not a flaw of his programming.  


  
  
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  


  
  
  
*****CLEANING*****   


  
Those owners already in possession of an ARAGORN or BOROMIR unit may be under the assumption that it is impossible to keep a Man unit clean. However, your EOMER'S tendency to be smeared with grime and caked with mud can be counteracted by following a simple daily cleaning regimen:  


  
1) Brush hair  
  
2) Trim facial hair  
  
3) Change clothing/armor  
  
4) Bathe entire EOMER unit (scrubbing with a sturdy brush)  


  
You may find that your EOMER prefers to bathe in a more natural setting than your bathroom, including (but not limited to) rivers, streams, lakes, ponds, your swimming pool, etc. This is entirely normal, and cannot be reversed. It is part of your EOMER'S _Rugged Nordic Outdoorsman Appeal(™)_ program, and can be quite enjoyable for all involved, particularly if you suggest your EOMER begin his bathing process by stripping to the skin and dumping a bucket of crystal clear spring water over himself in a glistening cascade (under your supervision, of course). If, however, you prefer to clean your EOMER in the steamy, comforting confines of your clawfoot bathtub, you may install the _Proper Decorum For A King of Rohan(™)_ software package to make him more amenable to the prospect.  


  
Once you have completed bathing your EOMER unit, towel dry thoroughly. Do not tumble dry your EOMER. You may allow your EOMER to drip dry in the backyard/on the back porch/on the bath mat, but be sure he is hidden from prying eyes first, unless you want your neighbors to start gossiping.  


  
  
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  


  
  
  
*****FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS (FAQ)*****   


  
QUESTION: My EOMER and GIMLI units do not get along well, to the point that my EOMER threatened to cut off my GIMLI'S head, "…if it stood but a little higher from the ground." Is this a defect?  


  
ANSWER: No, this is perfectly normal. Upon first meeting, your EOMER and GIMLI units will both be switched to a default setting of _"Glowering Suspicion."_ Give it a few minutes, and the default will soon switch to _"Amiable Comradeship."_ Similar conditions will exist between your EOMER unit and any ARAGORN and LEGOLAS units you may own, and will work themselves out in similar ways.  


  
**  


  
QUESTION: I am a professional gymnast, but whenever I am going to enter a competition, my EOMER tells me that, "We cannot ensure victory through strength of arms." This really depresses me, especially since my EOMER never mentions my legs, which are quite strong, nimble and sleek. What can I do?  


  
ANSWER: Don't worry, your EOMER is not expressing a lack of confidence in your upper body strength. Rather, this is a minor flaw in your EOMER'S internal dictionary of homonyms. To counteract this quirk, simply tell him that you are doing this to "Give Frodo a chance." Your EOMER will proceed to help you with remarkable zeal.  


  
**  


  
QUESTION: How can I make my EOMER unit stop smelling like horse?  


  
ANSWER: Unfortunately, due to your EOMER unit's equestrian upbringing, it will be very hard to scrub away his inherent horsey scent, even if you follow the aforementioned grooming regimen. You may try sneaking potpourri sachets into his riding clothes, to help offset the smell. If that doesn't work, you might try letting him SEE you sneaking potpourri sachets into his riding clothes. This will trigger your EOMER'S _Affronted Rugged Manliness (™)_ program, which will cause your Marshall of the Mark to "firmly chide" you for your actions. You may choose to undergo the chiding with or sans riding crop (be sure to enter your preference into your EOMER'S programming prior to letting him see you with the sachets, to avoid confusion later on). The time you will spend with your EOMER during your chiding session will be enough to allow the horsey scent to fade from his skin. Repeat as necessary.  


  
  
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  


  
  
  
*****TROUBLESHOOTING*****   


  
  
  
**PROBLEM:** Whenever I take him on vacation with me, my EOMER burns all the complimentary white bathrobes the hotel provides for us, and the last time I took him to a wedding, he nearly attacked the bride!  


  
 **SOLUTION:** EOMERs have an inherent distrust of white clothing, especially of the billowing or flowy variety. He may even have been exposed to a SARUMAN unit. To neutralize this hostility, introduce your EOMER to a GANDALF THE WHITE model. His animosity towards white clothing will quickly abate.  


  
  
  
 **PROBLEM:** My EOMER hasn't been the same ever since I took him to the shore with me last summer. He gets all dreamy-eyed when he sees pictures of the ocean, and he barely looks at me anymore.  


  
 **SOLUTION:** Your EOMER has been exposed to a LOTHIRIEL unit. Unfortunately, there is no remedy for this situation. You can try the same Weaning Procedure you used to divest him from his DEVOUT STEED to distract him from this unwanted interloper, but your best bet is to purchase a whole new unit and make sure to stay away from the seaside in the future.  


  
  
  
 **PROBLEM:** My EOMER unit won't let my EOWYN unit go out to the stables to look after his DEVOUT STEED. This is frustrating, since he insists on doing it himself, which keeps him from chiding me properly. He says it's too dangerous for his sister, which annoys the EOWYN unit, thus provoking long-winded squabbles between the two that waste even MORE chiding time.  


  
 **SOLUTION:** Your EOWYN unit has activated your EOMER'S _Overprotective Older Brother(™)_ sub-routine. Your best bet is to introduce both siblings to a FARAMIR unit. Your EOMER will trust the FARAMIR to "care for" his younger sister, while your EOWYN will be enamored of the new arrival and will stop picking fights with her brother, instead choosing to spend all her time cooing with the Steward of Gondor in your back yard. Now the EOWYN and FARAMIR units (sold separately, or together in the LORD AND LADY OF ITHILIEN box set) will be able to care for the DEVOUT STEED, while your EOMER can see to chiding you as you deserve.  


  
  
  
 **PROBLEM:** My EOMER has short hair, wears something resembling a toga, runs around shooting people with a bow and arrow, and insists he's a god.  


  
 **SOLUTION:** You have accidentally been issued a CUPID unit from the HERCULES series of our catalogue. While we cannot exchange a unit of this type for an EOMER, _you have been issued a CUPID unit - stop complaining_. If you are still not satisfied, have him shoot you with one of his arrows while you gaze at him, and you will soon find you can't live without him. This may cause friction for our married customers, so have your CUPID shoot your spouse as well, and he will become an indespensible member of the household for both parties.  


  
  
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  


  
  
  
*****COMMON COMPATIBILITY DOs and DON'Ts*****   


  
Consumers frequently ask us which other Middle-Earth models their EOMER can successfully interact with, and we are happy to provide a list of some commonly requested compatibility profiles.  


  
  
  
 **ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, GIMLI (sold separately, or together as THE THREE HUNTERS box set):** As has been previously mentioned, these units will start off eyeing your EOMER with suspicion, and vice versa, but will quickly settle into a comrade-in-arms relationship with your barbarian king. If you would prefer a more intense experience, switch your EOMER and THREE HUNTERS unit(s) of choice to slash mode, then stand well back and watch from a safe distance (unless you're brave, and would prefer to join in)  


  
 **MERRY and/or PIPPIN (sold separately, or together as the LOVABLE COUSINS box set):** Your EOMER unit will bond quickly with either (or both) member(s) of this delightful Hobbit duo, viewing them as young children to be cared for and shielded from harm. _PLEASE NOTE:_ As with an EOWYN unit, the LOVABLE COUSINS (particularly the MERRY unit) may trigger your EOMER'S _Overprotective Older Brother (™)_ sub-routine. To offset this effect, your Hobbit(s) may have to initiate their _Acts Of Incredible Courage Unanticipated In Ones So Small (™)_ programming to prove their worth.  


  
 **THEODEN, KING OF ROHAN:** Undoubtedly, your EOMER will be at his most docile when in the presence of a THEODEN unit. This is not a defect, but rather your EOMER exercising his fealty to lord and land. While such shows of uncle/nephew affection and deep bonds of loyalty and love are incredibly moving, you may find that your EOMER becomes TOO docile when in the presence of your THEODEN, looking to the King of Rohan to give him permission to do any number of things, including (perhaps) chiding you. This is unavoidable, and falls under your EOMER'S _Loyalty to Lineage and Land (™)_ programming, and can only be altered by getting rid of your THEODEN unit, which would be extremely traumatic for your EOMER. It is best if you avoid exposing your EOMER to a THEODEN unless you are willing to live with the after effects, or have no other choice (see GRIMA WORMTONGUE).  


  
 **EOWYN:** See **TROUBLESHOOTING** for a brief description of this sibling relationship and its remedies, but on the whole, this is a healthy, devoted association. Highly compatible, with occasional bouts of friction.  


  
 **FARAMIR and BOROMIR (sold separately, or together in the SONS OF THE STEWARD box set):** The EOMER is most often called on to interact with the FARAMIR unit of this pair, due to the FARAMIR unit's close association with the EOWYN model. Relations between your EOMER and FARAMIR units should be friendly and familial, with the EOMER unit treating the FARAMIR unit with a teasing, brotherly attitude (unless the FARAMIR unit has already met and interacted with an EOWYN unit, at which point your EOMER unit may also begin to exhibit _Playful Threatening Overprotective Older Brother Behavior_ towards your FARAMIR).  


  
The EOMER unit's interaction with the BOROMIR is an uncommon pairing, but not unheard of (especially if the BOROMIR comes in a box set with your FARAMIR). On the whole, you will find that your EOMER and BOROMIR models get along well, oftentimes sharing raucous war stories and bawdy tales of their lives as soldiers. Encourage this relationship, as it gives both Men an opportunity to bond with a kindred spirit, and increases the chances of helping the pair of them share some bawdy tales about YOU. Use caution when engaging slash mode between your EOMER and BOROMIR models, as chances are good they will not be gentle with each other and may cause temporary damage. If this happens, treat both Men with a steady regime of massage and the tried and true _Kissing the Boo-Boos Better_ method.  


  
 **GRIMA WORMTONGUE (sold separately, or with SARUMAN in the LACKEYS OF SAURON box set):** Keep your EOMER model separated from any GRIMA WORMTONGUE units that may live in the area, as there is a good chance one of two things will happen should they meet:  


  
A) The GRIMA WORMTONGUE unit will banish your EOMER  
  
B) Your EOMER unit will decapitate the GRIMA WORMTONGUE  


  
If you own a GRIMA WORMTONGUE model as well as your EOMER, you will find life to be a difficult, prickly thing, laced with paranoia and suspicion. The gravity of the situation increases if you own an EOWYN and/or THEODEN unit. The best solution for this state of affairs is to give your GRIMA WORMTONGUE away, preferably to someone in posession of a SARUMAN unit. If you cannot bear to part with your GRIMA, and own a THEODEN, you should invest in a GANDALF THE WHITE model and quickly set him to work engaging your THEODEN'S _Resurrection to Royalty_ program. Once this has been accomplished, your THEODEN will give your GRIMA a stern talking to (you may wish to borrow/buy an ARAGORN unit, to keep your THEODEN from killing your GRIMA). After his dressing down, your GRIMA will be quite harmless, and your household will function harmoniously once again (though it may be a bit overcrowded). Use caution when engaging slash mode between your GRIMA and EOMER models (see option B, listed above).  


  
 **LOTHIRIEL (sold separately, or with Imrahil in the NOBLES OF DOL AMROTH box set):** Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you allow your EOMER to interact with a LOTHIRIEL, as it will engage your Marshall of the Mark's _Faithful Husband_ program, rendering him useless to your individual needs. There is no remedy for this situation, and you will need to purchase a new EOMER model.  


  
  
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  


  
  
  
*****FINAL NOTE*****   


  
Your EOMER has been issued with a 93 year warranty. Those consumers used to the 6,342,000 month extended warranties associated with their Elven models may find this disappointing, but should take comfort in the fact that few Men who are NOT of Numenorean descent have such lengthy warranties. Furthermore, while he has long, flowing blonde hair like his Elven compatriots, your EOMER is much cheaper to maintain, requiring only a good, hard scrubbing to keep him clean and happy.  
  



End file.
